


Past Imperfect

by NoNamesFromCats



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Almost Abusive Emma (to Hook), Angst, Bisexual Emma Swan, Bisexual Evil Queen | Regina Mills, Bittersweet Ending, Confessing Feelings, F/F, F/M, Post Season 7, Post series finale, Present Tense, Rewrite the Past, Troubled Marriage, identity crisis, swanqueen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:20:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26611324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoNamesFromCats/pseuds/NoNamesFromCats
Summary: The final battle is over, the realms have been united, and Emma Swan is supposed to be living her Happy Ending. With Killian and Hope, she has everything she's ever wanted, but she's never been so afraid of losing it. She feels herself slipping away, and the only one who can help her is the woman who's lost it all before. (post-finale SwanQueen)
Relationships: Captain Hook | Killian Jones/Emma Swan, Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I always want a happy ending for SwanQueen, but this one is bittersweet (for now).
> 
> Content Warning: Emma's control over Hook is becoming abusive (no violent actions or words).

Emma Swan can't sleep tonight. Again. She lays in bed, feeling Killian under the sheets beside her, listening for Hope on the monitor, willing herself to join them in sleep. But she can't. She can't for fear of another dream. The last one is still bright in her mind, so vivid it could have been a vision—a prophesy. Hook staring her dead in the eye and ignoring her plea to stay. When he turns and walks out the door, Hope vanishes from her crib. It was still better than the dream before where he'd died bleeding in her arms and Hope had never existed.

She'd rather not sleep than feel that pain again.

But the dread winds its way through her, twists her gut and makes her heart pound until she can't take it anymore—she has to move, she has to go _somewhere_. So she gets up and pulls on jeans and a sweater. She leaves a note on the pillow— _just going for a walk around the block_ —in case Killian wakes when she's gone. She pads to Hope's room and kisses her sleeping toddler on the forehead and tiptoes out. She shrugs on the red leather jacket that now has seen better days and steps outside, locking the house up tight behind her.

She only means to go for a walk, a quick one, to clear her head, but the moment she passes her little VW bug parked on the street, she's slipped into the driver's seat and is putting the key in the ignition.

Maybe, she thinks, she'll drive to the convenience store down the road, and pick up something good for breakfast. Maybe a box of donuts, even though she's the only one that ever eats them. But she's driving, still driving when she passes it by, turns onto a main street and another and another until she's wound her way out of their sleepy Boston suburb and is accelerating up to speed on the highway.

And she hopes just getting away will make her feel better—stronger—but she only feels worse. Like she's missing a part of herself, and she can't tell if it's back in the house in Boston or somewhere else. 

And she doesn't want to think about it.

But soon enough she's idling on a tree-lined roadway, headlights blazing on a sign that says “Welcome to Storybrooke”. Her foot is locked on the brake, her hands grip the steering wheel, and she won't go any farther. If she goes farther she'll have to tell him. _No secrets._ She doesn't want to tell him. If she tells him, he'll want to come back.

And she can't go back. 

Yet she longs for the feeling of magic flowing through her. She misses being a part of something bigger than herself. Part of a grand plan. The Savior. But that's over now. Good won. _She_ won.

Now she has true love. Now she has a happily ever after.

And now she doesn't know who she is anymore.

**

She turns and drives back to Boston before the sun comes up. Back to the little house she shares with her husband and daughter.

She tells herself she won't take anymore solo nighttime drives. And she lasts one night and then on the next, there she is again, on the highway and at the town line and then suddenly she's crossed it and the magic feels exactly like she's known it would, rushing through her, filling her.

And she feels a little better and a little worse. And she's still working out how it's not something she has to tell Killian. 

No one will see her. The whole town is asleep in peaceful post-curse slumber. Her parents' castle and other fortresses of fairy tale lore sit dark on the horizon. 

She parks outside Granny's and turns off the car. She sits there, suddenly feeling tired, exhausted even, and why not? She has an eighteen-month-old and she hasn't been sleeping. She closes her eyes for a moment and is wakened from a dreamless sleep by a sharp knock on the car window.

“Emma?”

She blinks in the sudden brightness, and realizes she's slept until morning. Regina's face, haloed in sunlight, is peering in at her.

But Emma shakes her head and waves her away. “I gotta go,” she says through the glass, and peels out without an explanation, leaving the Good Queen standing on the pavement.

And Killian is waiting for her with breakfast when she gets back, even though he's on his way to work at the docks, and she tells him where she's been because nothing stays secret for long. And she pleads homesickness because it's the only thing she can think of to say.

And of course he suggests a visit, now that she's opened the door. Her usual excuses won't hold up. This time she's too tired to fight about it, and she relents and makes up her mind to just get it over with. Just this once. And of course she can see how happy he is to go back, even for the weekend. She knows it's hard for him to be here in this mundane, unfamiliar world.

Her mom is ecstatic when Emma phones to tell her. She calls back three times with new plans for outings and dinners and to ask what kinds of flowers they'll want in their room.

When Emma's phone rings again, she assumes it's Mary Margaret and answers on the first ring, ready to insist that the daisies will be fine, when a different voice interrupts her thoughts.

“So, Miss Swan, tell me that wasn't you I saw sleeping on Main Street this morning.”

She rolls her eyes. Of course Regina would call to harass her. “Must have been someone else.”

“I see. Because all I've heard for the last twelve months is Mary Margaret moaning about how you never visit.”

“That's not true. We're coming this weekend,” she retorts with undeserved smugness, and feels the sudden dread that comes with the thought of going back.

“Well, that's good,” Regina says. “Henry would love to see you.”

“Really? He'll be there?” She perks up slightly—she'd thought he and Jacinda and Lucy were still traveling the non-fairytale world.

“Henry Jr, I mean—from the Wish Realm. I'm sure your mother told you. He's staying part-time with me, part-time with your parents until he decides what he wants to do.”

“Oh, yeah, of course.” She remembers and her heart breaks a little more. A whole other child she'd given up, this time without even knowing it. Another Emma been and gone in a gauze of false memories.

She hangs up the phone and dreads returning just a little bit more.

And that day she is already exhausted, but as soon as she hangs up, she bundles Hope into her carseat and drives them both to New York City. And she snuggles her baby girl and takes her for a walk around her and Henry's old life in New York. And even though most of it is make believe, it somehow feels more real than where she is now. And she hugs Hope harder, even though she's squirming, and she takes her to the fountain where Henry inspired regular people to believe in magic.

She rocks her little girl in her arms and she tries to push away the knowledge that the memory of Henry in her head feels more tangible than the flesh and blood man he's become. She feels like she missed something vital, and it wasn't just the ten years before he came to Boston to find her for the very first time.

She swallows back tears and prays that the same thing won't happen with her and Hope. That it can't. That this time she's going to be there from the beginning, and all along. Her, Hook and Hope will be the family that she's always wanted.

And by the time they get home, Hope is cranky and wailing and Emma has just enough energy to get her to bed and make dinner before Killian gets back from work. And when he asks about their day she says they went for a walk in the park. And they're both too exhausted to talk much more about anything until they crawl into bed together and kiss each other goodnight.

And she tries so hard to fall asleep to the rhythmic sound of his breathing, but all she can think about is how this trip could be the beginning of the end.

**

The drive to Storybrooke is a pleasant one, with Hope asleep in her carseat in the back of the Bug and Hook beside Emma as she drives. She can hear the excitement build in his voice as they near their old town and she's reminded of how difficult the world without magic still is for him. He's dependent on her here in a lot of ways, and she wishes it made her feel more secure. But it doesn't.

The butterflies in her stomach grow as they approach the town line. It's nerves and dread and...something else, something worse fizzing in her stomach. A little bit of anticipation. Like morbid excitement, waiting for a terrible thing to be over.

She feels the magic bubbling up inside her as if in response and she swallows back everything as she drives the winding path to her parents' castle. She cringes inwardly at the arches of daisies and banners that unfurl at their arrival.

At Killian's request, she magics him into his pirate leathers, but she opts to stay in her own jeans and cardigan as she lifts Hope out of the carseat. 

She tries not to feel gutted when she sees the tears in her mothers eyes, knowing it's her own fault that they haven't visited, that it's on her that they left Storybrooke in the first place. 

The radiant joy on her parents' faces as they cuddle and coo at Hope and how big she's gotten, and Emma feels another stab of guilt.

And Wish Realm Henry appears almost shyly at their side and she aches because he's gotten bigger too. He's almost the man she doesn't know and she suddenly is in a rush to hold Hope again and plucks her from where she's toddling around the throne room. Hope shrieks and Emma feels a desperate need to suddenly hold her tighter, even though she's wriggling to get free.

Her mother comments on it and she feels guilty and embarrassed and quickly lets Hope down.

She's glad that they drove up so late in the day. There's only dinner to get through tonight. They all sit down together at the long table in the dining room of the castle and it's so big and grand and she feels so out of place. Mary Margaret has seemingly catalogued every single thing that's happened since they've left and even though they've been having regular phone chats, she's going through it all again.

Emma tries to listen, but she's distracted, taking turns with Hook to feed Hope and eat, and she _wants_ to know what's been happening, but at the same time, every piece of information feels like a jab. _You weren't here. You left._

By the time her mother gets to news about Henry and his family, Emma's lost her appetite.

She's his mother. She should know what he's been up to, but she doesn't.

And it isn't until after dinner she notices that Wish Realm Henry has disappeared off somewhere and she's barely had a conversation with him. But she practically cheers when Killian starts to look tired and suggests they go to bed because she's absolutely exhausted.

It seems to take forever for her parents and Neal to say goodnight to Hope, hugging and kissing her, reading her bedtime stories. There's so much love here, it makes her chest ache. 

She takes extra care tonight to tuck Hope in, to appreciate each moment, like her mom keeps telling her. _Mark my words, they grow up so fast._ And she's trying so hard. Knowing this might be her last shot to get it right.

**

She crawls in beside Killian, who suddenly seems wide awake. There's an energy about him here that he doesn't have in Boston. A spark. It's not magic, but it's something that once upon a time drew her to him. Now it just sends her into fits of anxiety. 

He touches her shoulder, but she says she's too tired. She isn't lying. She's exhausted already, feeling like she's been fighting against a current all day.

But as tired and drained as she is, she can't fall asleep. She lies in bed, furious at herself for her inability to just stop thinking.

But she can't.

She gives it what feels like an eternity before she magics herself out of bed and onto Main Street Storybrooke, fully dressed. In her hand she has the little seashell she can use as a baby monitor in this world.

It's not that late, but the street is almost empty. Maybe everyone is off somewhere in one of the other realms and plain old Storybrooke, Maine isn't where anyone really wants to be.

Except her. She does. But she can't.

She sits on a bench on the sidewalk and is almost fully absorbed staring at a crack in the pavement when she senses magic behind her.

“Miss Swan. Back to the scene of the crime?”

She squints up at Regina. “What?” And then she realizes she's almost at the spot in front of Granny's where she'd parked and fallen asleep the other night. Where Regina has once again snuck up on her. Tonight she's carrying a large brown paper bag under her arm.

Emma squints. “So you like Granny's food now?”

“This...isn't for me.”

Emma sees a flicker of unease in her eyes and for a moment isn't sure, until she realizes. “Henry.”

“Henry Jr., yes.” Regina shifts the package to her other hip as though to move it farther away from her.

“He's staying with you?” She feels a stab of something dark and painful. Regina killed his own grandparents in front of him and he would rather be with Regina than her.

She suddenly feels an intense urge to hold Hope tight to her.

She wraps her arms around herself and stands, moving away from the bench and Regina. “I should go.”

“Emma—”

But she's already poofing away in a swirl of magic smoke, reappearing just inside the door of her and Killian's room, back in her nightgown.

She checks on Hope, in her hand-carved, fabric-draped crib. She's still fast asleep. _An easy baby _, her mom is always saying, before launching into an account of Neal's difficult first years, as though Emma hadn't been there with her, fighting darkness alongside them all.__

__She crawls in beside Killian, who's in the exact position she left him in. She leans over and kisses him softly on the cheek, removing the magic spell that's kept him frozen while she's been gone. She hears him begin to breathe again and with guilt in her heart, finally falls asleep beside him._ _


	2. Chapter 2

The next day is a sun-soaked whirlwind of family time. She and Killian with Hope, and her parents with Neal, take a walk around the New Enchanted Forest. They stroll down the yellow brick road, and they go to the harbor to show Hope the Jolly Roger.

There's so much going on and everyone is so joyous. Emma watches Hope squealing with glee at the seagulls soaring and gliding in the air, and finally feels herself relax. She's buoyed by family, and for a brief moment, feels like she's standing on solid ground.

Until Killian steps up to the deck to show Hope the ship's wheel and she's suddenly imagining him sailing off without her. She picks up Hope and announces it's time to get something to eat.

They all end up squished into a booth at Granny's diner. But it's not technically Granny's anymore. She's retired, and Ruby's running the place now with her girlfriend Dorothy. Emma can't help watching them together, their lingering looks, their covert smiles, the little touches. She swallows. It looks so tender and natural. She glances at Hook, who's against the wall of the booth, helping Hope to color the treasure map placemat. He looks up and smiles at her. And she feels her lips drawn in a line, wanting to reciprocate, to be enjoying this like he is, but she feels like she's forgotten how.

He seems to love her as much as he ever did. She wonders if he would if he knew how she'd left him last night. If he knew that it hadn't been the first time.

The food comes and they're just tucking in, juggling the kids' meals between them, and the chaos is almost enough to keep her mind occupied when the door chimes and new customers enter behind her. She sees the welcoming smile on her mother's face and knows immediately who it is.

“Regina! Henry, come sit with us!” Mary Margaret calls, and Emma busies herself with Hope as they greet everyone and pull the nearest two-person table closer. She knows Regina is sitting beside her but doesn't turn to fully acknowledge her. She's terrified Regina will bring up seeing her last night. 

She manages to catch Henry's eye instead, and offers him some of her fries. He takes a couple silently and stares down at the menu as she turns back to Hope.

She feels tension around her, but no one acknowledges it. Mary Margaret chats to Regina and Henry, and Killian talks to David. Emma feels like a sledgehammer has been taken to her happy day and she isn't even sure why. She just knows she's keeping her attention focused on her own little family, on Killian and Hope and trying not to pay attention to what's going on beside her.

But Regina doesn't let her off that easy. “So, Emma, are you enjoying your visit?” she asks.

Emma looks up from feeding Hope bits of hamburger. “Yeah,” she glances around the table, and they're all looking at her like awaiting final judgement. “It's, uh, been great.”

'Well,” Regina says, and Emma can tell that something's coming. “Maybe you'll come back sooner next time.”

“Yeah,” she says in the most non-committal voice possible, knowing her mom is hanging on her every word and will hold her to each and every one of them.

“Then maybe you can come back next month, for Henry's graduation.”

“Uh,” she stammers, looking at Henry. She doesn't want to come back so soon. It breaks her heart every time.

“He's worked so hard to catch up in such a short time.” Regina sounds fierce and proud. “But counting battle combat and horseback riding as electives, and a bit more math tutoring, he's on track with the rest of the students at Storybrooke High.”

Her mother is already piling on. “Oh yes, Emma. Please. I'm sure it would mean a lot to Henry.”

But Emma is watching him and he just shrugs and mumbles something and looks down at his plate. He looks like he could care less, and she knows she shouldn't take it personally. She hasn't been here hardly at all since he got back. She hasn't made an effort.

“We'll try,” she says finally, trying to make it sound cheerful, but she is already wracking her brain for an excuse for later. Something she can convince Hook with when they get home.

At least dinner is almost over. But just as Ruby plonks a bill down on the table, Regina is frowning at a text on her phone and beckoning to Emma's parents. There are trolls causing trouble in the New Enchanted Forest and they have to put things right.

Emma can feel Killian's sudden attention beside her, wanting to go off on an adventure. She knows the urge, she feels it too, but she's almost panicky at the thought of him in danger and she grabs his arm and tells him that the others can handle it.

He wants her to come too, and she uses Hope as an excuse. “I need you here,” she insists, and he seems to understand, but she can see the excitement fade from his eyes.

She watches uneasily as Henry and Regina have an intense-looking conversation outside before Regina hugs him and poofs away in a cloud of purple smoke.

Henry returns to the castle with them, and on the drive she's a little bit hopeful and a lot more awkward as he sits in the back beside Hope's carseat. Killian tries to make small talk, but Henry's silent. This version of him has never warmed to Killian. She isn't so sure he cares for her much either. The first time she saw him when he'd come to Storybrooke, she'd been pregnant with Hope, settled down with Killian and oblivious to the fact that he still even existed.

She'd never thought herself especially good with kids, but she'd gotten along so well with the first Henry, _her_ Henry. She glances in the rearview mirror again and wonders what he sees when he looks at her. In this world she has so many more scars than the mother he knew. And she doesn't feel like she knows him at all. The false memories of her time in the Wish Realm are still there, but they're hazy, like an old dream that will fade if she doesn't keep replaying it in her mind. And her mind is just too full these days of other things, other fears.

She glances over at Killian and smiles and she can see how much more relaxed he is after even a day here. They make plans to go back to the harbor the next day before they head out of town. She's already skipped ahead in her mind, imagining being back in Boston.

There, they'll be safe.

**

Later that night, she lies in bed and wills herself to sleep. One more night and part of a day and she's home free, back to Boston and away from magical dangers and the Jolly Roger and any thing or person that might take Hook away from her.

But Regina, Regina had to make everything worse. Face to face, Emma couldn't say no to coming back for Henry. Over the phone it would have been easier—she would have made excuses and come up with something and she would have been spared. But Regina seemed to know what she was doing. As Emma turns over in bed one more time, she is sure Regina has done it on purpose.

Soon she can't take it anymore. Her mind won't stop. She just has to get out of this room, just for a little while, until her head clears and her anxiety dissipates.

She hears Killian's deep breathing and casts the freezing charm before she gets out of bed. She makes sure Hope is sleeping peacefully and the seashell radio is working. If Hope wakes up, she can poof back in an instant.

This time she doesn't go to Granny's or Main Street. This time she appears on the front walk of the Mayor's house. The lights are still on despite the hour. She knocks, and realizes in that moment that Regina might not even live here anymore. Maybe she lives in a castle somewhere. But suddenly she hears footsteps inside and Regina opens the door fully dressed.

“Emma? What is it?”

“I need to talk to you,” she says. Her voice sounds meeker than she meant it. She clears her throat. “Can I come in?”

Regina looks like she's going to refuse and then her expression clears. “Of course.” She steps back and lets Emma through the door and closes it.

Emma stops in the entryway. She just wants to be inside where people can't see them. “You can't just keep showing up like that,” she says.

“Like what?” Regina frowns.

“Like at Granny's, just, there all of a sudden, you and—and Henry.” His name feels strange on her tongue. “Ambushing me.”

“It wasn't an ambush. Henry's your son. I'd thought you'd want to spend time with him,” Regina says curtly, putting a hand on her hip.

“He's—” Emma starts, and then stops. “You don't understand, Regina.”

Regina sticks out her chin. “What don't I understand?”

“I've just, I've got a lot going on.” It sounds terrible, even to her own ears. One look at Regina's face tells her she's not impressed by it either.

“He's your son, Emma,” she says again.

“I didn't even know he still existed until eighteen months ago.”

“Well, neither did I, but we should have, after we met Hook from that realm. And now Henry's here, and you're the one with a lifetime of memories with him. I've had to build our relationship from the ground up.”

“I've got the memories, but they're not—I mean, I'm not—I'm not who he remembers.” She had felt like an entirely different person in the Wish Realm, and it wasn't someone she liked.

“Well then get to know him. Spend some time with him. Before he's gone off on his own.”

Emma swallows. She feels like her heart is being squeezed. The thought of him off on his own, more danger, another curse, and she can suddenly see clearly how much she's been anticipating that moment, dreading it. “It's not that simple.”

“Why not?” Regina folds her arms. “Is it Hook?”

“What?”

“Is Hook the reason you never visit? Is he why you moved away?”

“I, uh—” she fumbles. Yes, he is the reason, but he wasn't the one who wanted to move. “It was my decision.”

Regina squints at her. “Look, Emma, ever since you've got together with Hook, you've changed. I don't know if you even see it—”

“What? What are you talking about? I didn't change.” Yet, she does feel different, she just didn't think other people would notice.

“Even on your first date, you wore that ridiculous dress. And now—” She gestures to the soft pink cardigan Emma's wearing.

“I—” she's not sure what to say. She's almost relieved that Regina's only talking about clothes. “Styles change, Regina. I just wanted to try something different. And how do you even remember what I wore on my date with Hook?”

But Regina ignores her question. “It's not just the clothes. It's the way you acted. It's the gooey way you looked at him, how weird you were about the engagement, obsessed with wedding details when the town was falling apart. And the dress, like some old-fashioned fairytale princess—”

“Well, I'm sorry,” she says sarcastically. “Sorry that I was too _excited_ for you. But I've always wanted to get married. And to have true love, and a family. I'd always dreamed about it, and I'd never thought I'd actually get to have any of it. And then there was a chance it could happen—” she stops herself. She didn't have to explain herself. "Just know that however you think I've changed, it's not Hook.

“Well, I find it suspicious that you already had a family—here. And yet, as soon as Hook has you and Hope, you move away and never visit.” Regina crosses her arms, her mind seemingly make up.

And just for a second, she considers playing along. It would be so easy to say he's the reason, but she couldn't stand Regina thinking he was some kind of abuser. “It wasn't him, Regina. He'd come back in a heartbeat. I'm the one who won't.”

“Why not? Because from where I'm standing, moving back here would solve a lot of your problems. With Henry and—everyone.”

Emma shakes her head. “It's just—it's complicated.” She sighs. It's getting late and this isn't going anywhere good. “I can't talk about this anymore. I just—I can't move back okay? I want Hope to know the non-magical world. I want us to know how to live without magic and curses and...fairy tales.”

“Fairy tales are where you came from, and now it's who you're married to. It's not something you can just cut out of your life.”

“I have to go.” She tries to poof away and can't, and remembers the protection spell on the house to stop people appearing within it. She turns her back on Regina and tries to open the door instead, but it resists. It takes her a second to realize what's happening. She glares at Regina. “Open it.”

“Open it yourself.” Regina stands taller, a haughty smirk on her lips.

Emma tries, with her body, and then with her magic. Neither works. She's rusty, and Regina knows it.

“Open it.”

“No. Why won't you come back?” Regina folds her arms. She barely looks like it's taking any effort to trap her.

“Stop it,” she says through gritted teeth. Her magical effort is making beads of sweat appear on her brow.

Regina still shows no effort, but the door won't budge. “Then tell me the truth.”

“There is...no...truth.” She's angry now and her magic's failing. It's humiliating how much control she's lost. 

“Emma—” Regina starts, her voice softening. But Emma's had enough.

“Open it!” she yells and puts all her frustration behind her power and the door explodes open, and blows Regina back. Regina lands with a painful-sounding thud against the entryway table, and a vase that smashes on the tile floor.

The door gapes wide, but Emma is overtaken with remorse and rushes to Regina's side instead of escaping. “Regina, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to do that. You just—” she stops herself and the flood of excuses. She helps her to her feet amid the shards of broken vase. “Are you okay?”

Regina accepts her help, but doesn't say anything. She turns and goes to the next room and sits down on the farthest chair.

The open door is still calling Emma, but her shame overrides her urge to flee. The last thing she needs is for Regina to tell people she's losing control again.

She shuts the door and joins Regina in the sitting room, standing as far away as possible, at the other end of the couch. She tries apologizing again, but Regina doesn't seem to hear it.

“Why can't you move back, Emma?”

She balls her fists, but she sees the red mark under Regina's eye where she must have hit and a wash of guilt deflates her. “Because this is where it started, okay? With magic—and curses, and—and my darkness.”

“You mean being the Dark One?” Regina leans forward. “But you fought the darkness, and you _won_.”

“But I did something unforgivable to Killian. I turned him into the thing he hated most just so he wouldn't leave me. And it wasn't because of the Dark curse. Or at least, it wasn't the part of it that left me.” A tear wells and falls down her cheek, heated with shame. She looks miserably at Regina. “It's still there—that fear of losing him, that desperation—I just can't deal with it.” She slumps on the edge of the couch. She's so tired of holding it all inside.

Regina's expression softens. “Look, I understand. Believe me, I do. You've lost a lot over the years. It makes sense that you would be scared, but Storybrooke is so much better now that the realms are united. There've been no curses or villainous rampages, and even will the Trolls tonight, all we did was talk it out.”

“It's not just that...” She shakes her head. “Here, he's got this, this _energy_ that makes him just _do_ things. Here he's Captain Hook and he has no fear and he just rushes off...”

“But in Boston...” Regina starts and her eyebrows knit like she's figured something out. “It's not his world, is it? That's where you're his lifeline...”

Emma sags a little more, as the realization dawns on her. But then, she's not horrified like Emma had imagined. She's not her mother or father, or anyone else, Emma reminds herself. Regina is no stranger to darkness.

“I just don't know what I'd do with out him,” Emma whispers.

“You'd survive, Emma. It would be hard, but you'd survive. Trust me.” Her words are loaded and Emma knows she's speaking from experience.

But she shakes her head. “I can't—I just can't think about it. I spent years alone. I can't do that anymore.” She looks at her hands. In some ways she feels like she's lost something. Maybe she was only hiding behind walls when she first came to Storybrooke, but she remembers feeling so much stronger than she does now.

She is surprised when she feels the couch shift as Regina sits beside her. Emma looks at her, forgetting her pain for just a moment.

“You'll never be alone,” Regina says with a gentle voice. “You have family now. Friends. Hope.”

Emma shakes her head vehemently. “You don't get it.”

“What don't I get?” She sounds so patient.

“The new world you've created—it's great, but I've got no part in it.”

“Of course you do, you're Snow White and Prince Charming's daughter.”

And now that the entirety of fairy tales are hiding in Maine, she doesn't know what that means anymore. “Maybe that worked when we were back in Storybrooke, but I'm not...I'm not Princess Emma. I tried, but I don't belong in the fairy tale world.”

“Of course you do, you're the Saviour.” 

There it was, the word she'd hid behind for so long, but now it just hurt.

“I'm not though. Not anymore. I fulfilled the prophesy, I broke the curse, I won the final battle. It's over.” She shrugged, like it didn't mean anything, like she still had some semblance of identity after hanging onto it for so many years.

“That's not true.”

“It is. When you and everyone else were fighting the last curse, when you were battling in the Wish Realm, I was sitting in Storybrooke twiddling my thumbs.” She's not sure she'll ever get over that.

“You were pregnant with Hope and you had no way of knowing about the curse.”

“I wasn't bedridden—I could have checked on you, and Henry.” And she hadn't. She had been consumed with Hook and the idea of Hope and everything else had seemed to fall away. And because of the curse, Henry now has memories of growing up without her or Regina. And she can see the difference in him. The shame of that overwhelms her every time she's around him and his beautiful family and she feels like she will never be able to make up for it.

“No one expected that of you. The whole point of the time-travel curse was that no one would know we were missing.” Regina touches her shoulder, searching her face as though trying to see what she's thinking. It feels incredibly intimate. “You have to stop beating yourself up over that. We broke the curse and everything worked out.”

“Yeah, I know.” And somehow, that hurts even more. “No one needs me here, not anymore. With Hook and Hope, I have a place. In Boston, they need me.”

“Well maybe here, I need you.”

“Really?” She looks at Regina. She's knows she's said it before, but she can't remember when, just that her heart aches as something old blossoms there. She can see it in Regina's eyes too. That spark they used to share that she'd learned to ignore.

She feels like the air has been suctioned out of the room and they're being pulled together. She isn't even sure she's moved, but she sees Regina's lips so close to hers and she closes the final distance for a kiss, closing her eyes.

“Emma, what are you doing?” Regina sounds so shocked, so put off, that Emma jumps back before she's fully opened her eyes.

She's flushed with embarrassment. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean—I just—” She's clearly misread the situation. She could have sworn she saw the same thing in Regina's eyes, had felt that same longing she used to feel. “I just—I thought there was something. We used to—I mean, I'm sorry. I must have gotten it wrong.” Was it possible she always had?

She stands up to start toward the door.

“Emma, wait.” She feels Regina grab her hand. The sudden contact stops her in her tracks. “You weren't wrong.”

She turns to Regina, looks at their hands together, at her lips, before Regina pulls away.

“We can't.” Regina glances towards the windows and then back, as though she doesn't know where to look. “I get it, I do. You're feeling powerless and you just want to be able to take control, make a decision, even if it blows up your life. Or destroys who you thought you were.”

Emma slumps. Maybe she's partly right. She does feel like she's spinning out of control. “But it's not just that. I—I just wonder, if it's me. If I'm just never meant to get it right. Even with true love. That I'll never really feel like I can be happy. Or maybe I got it wrong, and I'm trying to force myself into something that I wasn't meant for. Sometimes I wonder what might have happened between us, don't you?” She searches Regina's face and finds the longing she knew she'd seen before.

Regina opens her mouth and then closes it before she finally speaks. “I—I don't know what to say, Emma. This is what happened. Whether it was supposed to or not. Evil and good both do the right thing.” She swallows. “I've redeemed myself, or at least, I'm still working at it. Every day, every moment, every choice.” She glances away again and back up at Emma. Her eyes look misty and she blinks. “Maybe I would have done something differently if—well, if you'd—” she stops herself. And Emma so desperately wants to know what she could have done. “But it's too late now, Emma. Not if you're still with Hook.”

Emma is sadder than she thought she'd be. Even though she couldn't imagine, if they'd actually done anything, what she would say to Killian. She rakes her hands through her hair. “This is such a mess. I love him, I just—I don't know what to do.”

Regina's face is more sympathy than she expected. “Maybe you should try talking to someone.”

“I'm talking to you. It's not helping,” she adds wryly.

“I meant a therapist.”

“In Boston?” She sighs. “What am I going to say? That I'm married to the actual Captain Hook and I can't go back to fairy tale land because I'm scared I'm going to lose him to another curse?”

Regina raises an eyebrow. “I'm sure you could phrase it differently. Or I could find out if Dr. Hopper is still practicing. Maybe he'd do video sessions—” 

“Forget it, Regina. It's my problem. I'll figure it out myself.” She heads towards the door, aware that Regina is following her. 

“You don't always have to do everything yourself. I want to help you.”

This time the knob turns in her hand and she opens the door and hurries through it.


	3. Chapter 3

Emma poofs back to their bedroom in the castle. Hope is quiet, presumably still asleep, but when Emma looks in her crib, she stares up at her with wide dark eyes. Emma starts. She's all of a sudden imagining Hope getting out of her crib and finding her father frozen on the bed. She can't leave them like this again. It has to stop.

She strokes her baby's hair until she's back asleep and then tiptoes back to bed, releasing Killian from her spell. He sighs peacefully and turns over and she feels another wave of guilt.

She lies beside him, promising herself she'll never freeze him again. Willing herself to relax enough to sleep. They drive back tomorrow. Back to their normal little house. Back to worrying about dock accidents and car crashes and mundane things. Back to lying awake beside him. Back to listening to her mom relay everything that's going on in Storybrooke without her.

There is a part of her that wants to come back, to try again, even if she never really fits. Even if she's never the princess her parents wanted her to be, if she never really bonds with Lucy or Jacinda or Henry from the wish realm. A part of her wants to come back to the first place that ever felt like home.

She wishes she could. But after just one day, in which she almost wrecked everything, it seems impossible.

A knot of dread is twisting in her stomach. She's not sure how long she can take feeling like this. She tries some deep breathing, telling herself everything will be okay. But she doesn't believe herself. Nothing in her life has worked out before. The most successful connection she's ever had was with Henry, and half of their memories together are fake. She's never had a romantic relationship that didn't end in a catastrophe. Death or betrayal. She's lost Killian once already. 

She turns away from him and thinks. She never had a chance. Her life and every relationship in it has always been a ticking time bomb. She's spent too long waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The next thing she knows she is waking up to the sun painting stained glass colors on the bed. She looks over and sees Killian's spot empty and panics until she hears Hope giggle and sees him marching her stuffed animals around for her in front of the fireplace. They look so sweet together, so loving. Her heart aches. She has to make this work. She has to stop thinking about the past. That's it. But it seems impossible. Her past is what made her, after all. For better or worse.

And then at breakfast, she has it—an idea. It comes to her so out of the blue, she almost drops the syrup. It could be a messed up idea, but she has to try. When they all head out after breakfast, she says she has an errand to run and dodges their questions and offers to come with her, poofing away before they can protest.

She appears on Regina's doorstep and knocks. 

Regina opens the door, in pajamas and a robe this time, looking tired. There's a sorrow in her eyes that wasn't there before. Emma can't tell if it's her fault, but if it is, then maybe her idea will help them both.

“I figured it out,” Emma says as she brushes past her into the house. “I know what you can do. I need you to give me memories.”

“What?” Regina follows her into the sitting room.

Emma turns and faces her. “You gave me memories before—of Henry and me in New York. Even after the curse broke, I remembered them. I know you can do it.”

“Well, yes, but why? You want new memories of Henry? I don't think that's fair to him—”

“No. I mean, yeah, there are moments I wish I'd been a part of, but that's not what I'm talking about. I want memories of _us_.” She can't help the excitement in her voice. This could work, she feels it.

“What?” Regina already sounds skeptical.

She tries to explain. “I want memories of what we...missed. I mean, before me and Hook. Before you and Robin. Just between you and me. No one else has to know. No one gets hurt. I just—I want to know what it feels like—”

“Emma—” Regina looks taken aback and she realizes what that sounded like.

“Not _that_.” She blushes a tiny bit. “I mean, it doesn't have to be that. I just—I want to know what it might have been like between us, that it could have worked out—”

Regina is frowning. “Well it obviously wouldn't have worked out if you're now with Hook—”

“No, I mean, if we were together, but it didn't end with one of us dying, or betraying the other, or being a flying monkey. I need something to hang onto, Regina. Proof I can have an actual relationship, where no one dies and no one leaves.”

“With me.” Regina says it like she doesn't believe it.

“Yes, of course you. There's no one else I'd want that with. I've—I've always felt like myself around you. For better or worse. I just need something good to live up to. Something to prove I can do it. That I can be happy.” she's not sure what she'll do, otherwise.

“Emma, I—I don't know what to say. Even if I did do something like that, it wouldn't prove anything. It wouldn't be real.”

“A blueprint then. Please Regina. I feel like I have no idea how to be in love, not like this.”

“Then it's cheating.”

She shakes her head. “It's not. Like you said, it's not real, and it's all in the past.” She had reasoned it out on the way over. And right now, any moral grayness is worth it, if it works.

“No, I meant that it's a cheat. You want the memories of a working relationship without having done it.”

“Then I can learn from you.”

“Emma—it's a bad idea.”

“Why? How is it bad? We both admit we might have done it differently if—if we'd tried. Why can't we?” Her desperation was showing now, but she didn't care. She needed this. And maybe Regina needed it too. “Don't you get it? It's not just good or evil anymore. With this, we don't mess up what we have now. We can have it both ways.”

“You mean _you_ can have it both ways, with Hook.” The accusation in Regina's voice deflates her.

“I want this to work out,” she says quietly.

“Then work it out with him, together. Not by lying.”

“It's not lying,” she protests. And maybe she's trying to convince herself too. “He's never asked about my past relationships. I don't think he wants to know. Maybe his has his own secrets...” she trails off. Her rationalizations are getting in the way of the real issue. 

“I love him, Regina, but I can't stop hurting him. If I can't fix this, then I can't be with him. And I can't bear the thought of taking Hope away, or giving her up, half the time.”

Regina shakes her head, but doesn't say anything.

“Please, can we just try it?” She wracks her brain for anything to help her case. “Do you know that practically the only thing keeping me sane these past months were the memories of Henry and me in New York? They were the main reason I knew that I could be a good mother to Hope.”

She can tell Regina is moved. “Really?”

“Yes, Regina. It was the most unselfish thing anyone has ever done for me.”

Regina looks slightly embarrassed. “I didn't just do it for you, I did it for Henry.”

“Then do it for Henry, and Henry jr., and Lucy, and all the relationships I could fix if I can move back to town. Please. Do it for us.”

“Us?” 

“So that we don't have to wonder. Please, Regina. Wouldn't it help you to have had a relationship that didn't end in betrayal or death?”

“I—” Regina blinks like she's been caught out. She sighs. “You really think it will help? What if you're wrong and you end up hating me for listening to you?”

“Then I'm not worth it anyways.”

“Emma, don't say that.”

She tries again. “I promise I won't hate you. I trust you to do this. Please Regina. I need some hope.”

**

Emma drives past the Storybrooke town line with Killian beside her and Hope snug in the backseat. This time, as the magic leaves her, it doesn't feel like such a loss. 

Hope cries most of the way home and they all end the journey exhausted. Lying side by side in bed with Killian is the first chance they really get to talk.

“Was the visit alright?” he asks her tentatively, and she feels bad because she's taught him to walk on eggshells around the subject.

“I had a good time,” she says. “I do miss it,” she admits. And even that is hard, like a battlement is being torn down.

“Of course.” He doesn't say any else though, probably because of how upset she's gotten in the past.

She feels another stab of guilt. “Killian,” she asks. “Are you happy here?”

“Of course, love. I'm with you. And Hope.” 

She glances over. He's smiling. But she knows the real answer.

“I might have been wrong,” she says, and fear is already pulling at her chest, knowing what she's about to propose. “Maybe Storybrooke wouldn't be such a bad place for Hope to grown up in.”

“Really, love?” He sounds slightly breathless. “Do you think so?”

“I mean, we can teach her about the non-magical world. We can take trips there. Make her write book reports. I don't know.”

“If you're sure.” It's hard not to hear how he's holding back his excitement. It reminds her of yesterday on the Jolly Roger. It still scares her. Her world will change. She's not sure if she can handle the idea that she might lose him. That he'll have his freedom back, and she won't be able to keep him from leaving her. That soon she'll be freezing him nightly and trying to find ways to keep his love, putting everyone in harms way to keep him safe.

She swallows. “I think it'll be good for Hope to see you in your element.”

“What would you do?”

“I think the realms might need a new Sheriff.” 

Hook grins. They reconnect that night in a way they haven't in a very long time. 

She lies beside him. He's fast asleep. She listens to his breathing. And sighs. All the fear is still there, still begging to be let to the forefront of her mind, but she won't let it, she refuses.

Instead, she thinks of a long time ago when she told Regina she was leaving Storybrooke because it was best for Henry, that the angry tension between them had to end. She remembers Regina agreeing, the oven beeping, and then—and then they're kissing, and magic is running through her as True Love breaks an Evil Queen's curse. 

And she drifts off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! :)


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